In the East, Carolina was ranked the best: "Starts with a deep, drowning goal horn playing over Blur's "Song 2," and then things get freaky. There goes Ric Flair, saying 'that's a Ca-ro-lina Hurricanes' goal! Woo! Wooooo!' There's a 'Yabba Dabba Doo!' and a Homer Simpson 'd'oh!' and a Dice Clay 'oh!' And is that Chewbacca we hear?"
In the West, Columbus gets the nod: "The cannon isn't for everyone. And by 'everyone' we mean there are those out there who don't appreciate an AC/DC classic like "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)" being enhanced by heavy artillery. We call these fellow citizens 'lame-ohs.'"