Aug 27, 2010

Guyism: The 7 types of people you'll see on the jumbotron

I would add an 8th: "Oblivious Guy"

Original published on Guyism:

7 The Attention Whore
This person will begin flailing their arms to get the attention of the camera, and then continue making a fool of his or her self once on screen. When they see someone near them on the JumboTron they make a convincing effort to steal the focus of the camera. If they know the person near them, they’ll do the “bunny ears” technique, which somehow has not died off, nor has escaped this person’s imagination despite probably being thirty.

6 The Dancer
Have you ever been to a sporting event and, during a timeout, witnessed an event commonly known as “Dance Cam?” You know, where the people make fools out of themselves by shaking whatever it may be that their respective mothers gave them. Generally this is not a pretty sight, but it can really go either way when the camera captures a member of this group. Regardless if it is time for some dance related event, this type of person is constantly strutting, shimmying, twisting, bopping, or in some cases even boogying down.

5 The Sideline Celebrity
Having a big name in the building at a major sporting event is bound to garner attention. One should expect to see the celebrity on the big screen at least once during the course of the game. But this can become a little tricky. For instance, what do you do when the biggest “celebrity” at the game is some local politician? Sure, he proposed Ordinance 943.2 to eliminate unfair taxes on imported strawberries from a bordering county, but that’s the short term. With celebrities you need to think staying power.

4 The Awkward Waver
This person didn’t want to be on the JumboTron, but now they are and they’re just going to wave until they aren’t any longer. This is also the person that if they are in the shot of the JumboTron when it is focused on someone else, they act as if they are having a conversation or doing something on their phone even if they know they’re on camera.

3 The Duck-and-Hider
A shyer version of the “Awkward Waver.” The duck-and-hider will do anything to avoid being on the JumboTron. As it turns out, this is usually a great way to draw more attention to you. If the cameraman has a sense of humor they follow this person and show them multiple times over the course of the game.

2 The Proposal Maker
There is a lot of fun to be had with this guy (or very, very brave girl. You’ve got to have confidence to be in this category. Not only do you need the balls to speak in front of a huge audience, you better be confident you’re going to get the answer you want. There are few things worse than the image of you failing at one of the most important moments of your life on a fifty-foot screen built specifically to replay memorable events over and over.

1 The Couple
Are couples at games ever not awkward? Especially with Kiss Cam. When it comes on here’s a breakdown of what happens: the guy draws attention to the two of them so he can slip her the tongue on the JumboTron. She hides her face in her hands as if it was some sort of mask that made her boyfriend not act like a tool (Side note: Kiss Cam is the reason you should not go to a game of any sort with a relative of the opposite gender. Prepare for awkwardness). There’s nothing is better than a guy going in for a kiss on the JumboTron and his partner denying him completely. You know they fight about it the rest of the night too. You may say that I’m just bitter and to that I say, “You’re right.”

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